New York, New York and other things

I was in NYC over the Labor day weekend and while I try to avoid personal details, I will make a little detour here. I love traveling. I especially love traveling with my sister. We just kind-a get along and manage to make our time together enjoyable. (I need to think a little harder about why this works so well, mostly because I can name a few (ex-boy)friends with whom I've had the hardest time to travel!) I also love New York, and while I think it would be a catastrophe if I lived there because I wouldn't get anything done, I love to visit as often as possible. I visited my advisor who was on a sabatical there in April and it was just too much fun! So I figured my sis would like NYC too and I suggested we go there as a B-day present for her. The one month delay, logistical difficulties and the weather in Dallas aside, we had a grand time! Why did I want to make the detour? Ummm..., right, travel and flexible schedule! Doing astronomy, as surprising as that may seem gives you a lot of opportunities to travel and also lets you take a 5 day weekend at a moment's notice. Nice.

Of course, to offset the damage of being away for 5 days I've been working non-stop ever since I came back. What's happened since? I actually finished the data analysis that I have been struggling with since June! Hooray! It feels so damn good! One of my collaborators is actually helping me finalize things, which means so much to me, (surprisingly) on a personal level - I wanna hug him and kiss him (lucky for him he's two states away). I have been tinkering with a few small things the last couple of days like writing scripts to cross-match catalogs based on RA and Dec, to make master spectroscopic catalogs and other "master" files. I think I got most of that figured out. So the big things I still have to do are the following: look into the last dataset which is already reduced but we want to re-reduce with the new tools; figure out the environment measures; maaaaybe re-write my advisor's Fortran code in C or IDL, but only if necessary; make lots of plots and write the paper; start fitting the spectra. Ready, steady, go!

Job applications season is officially open! Hand me that box of Kleenex, please... I am feeling miserable already... and now is the worst moment to feel down low. I got my CV for the most part and I am working on the other parts of the application. I have a list of ~30 jobs I may apply to with deadlines spanning from *now* to some time in April, but mostly concentrated between Oct. 15th and Dec. 1st. The BIG deal about job applications for the good jobs (fellowships that is) is writing a research proposal that you plan to carry out during the next three years. This is where the BIG trouble is - coming up with an original research idea for a three year long project. This must be BIG. It can't be "oh it would be nice to get 4 nights next semester and look at this cute thing we found". No. Big science questions. Grand ideas. So I have a few little projects I have already started (i.e. written observing proposals for) and while my advisor is pushing me to make them grand, these are really not the things I want to be doing for the next 3 years. I also feel that no matter how much I pimp them, these little projects are never gonna shine in a pile of very competitive job applications. They'll always be the shabby relatives they were at the start. However the grand questions I have in mind are very ephemerous now but while I am dragging the mental box of Kleenex around I don't feel like discussing my ideas with anybody. And, you know "truth is born in the debate". The department I work at has some fabulous people I can talk to, if I could only muster up the courage. Why the hell am I feeling down? My advisor's been kind-a harsh, though probably honest - she told me that my publication record sucks and that may prevent me from getting a good job. That made me really despondent because I really don't feel like working for someone for three years - that will be like grad school all over again... May be I need some time to get used to the idea that I am not as great as all other grads who got great jobs, but right now I feel like I'd rather be baking cupcakes, taking pictures, making babies (you really didn't hear me say this last one) or doing just about anything else with my life than slaving for another three years. So instead of feeling motivated to get the best application there ever was, I feel discouraged to keep going down this career path :( I really need to get a grip and start working these job applications first thing tomorrow morning!

Now, sweet dreams!